… Let’s get real

ImageOn Sunday, the day I normally reserve on this blog to complain about being useless, I had a heart to heart chat over food with a good friend of mine instead. He suggested that I do something that a co-worker of mine also suggested. This Tuesday, I’m going to, hopefully, talk to a councilor at my school.

I’ve been depressed a great bit over the last ten years I’ve been out of high school. Honestly, I think about death a lot, and I sometimes sob uncontrollably. Last Thursday I took a math test that I wasn’t completely ready for, and I could have possibly bombed it. I cried some that day, not in front of co-workers though. When co-workers asked what was wrong, I actually answered them honestly. ‘I’m bad at Math,’ as well as ‘Life in general.’ Apparently I was right in my assumption that you are not supposed to be honest about that.

My status in life makes me horribly depressed. Three years or so ago, I told myself that I was going to kill myself if my life wasn’t on the right path by my high school reunion, which was last year. I dropped out of my Phlebotomy class after moving out of my dad’s house because it wasn’t what I thought it was, and I had a girlfriend that I loved and I was going to move away and start a life with her. Well, she dumped me last April, despite explaining to me many times how much she loved me and how she would never leave me, and I still suffer from that quite a bit. High School Reunion came and went without me there, and you know what? I’m still here today because I still have hope for a better tomorrow.

ImageA friend of a friend of mine passed away, and I just learned online that it was suicide. He was Justin Carmical, a well known Youtuber. A week ago, I decided that I could never do anything suicidal as long as I have my mother. I could never do that to her. When she goes, That’s that. I have no one I really really really care for, I feel.  I have friends who have lost their parents, but more importantly their mothers way too early due to things such as a stroke, breast cancer, and drunk drivers.

ImageDid I mention that I have seriously thought about becoming a clown within the last week? Is that where I am in life now? Yeah. Maybe talking to a professional is for the best at this point.

I’m still trying to be a better me. Here’s hoping that we can see that me.

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